Helpful Life in Anecdotes, Part 4

My new neighbor, a really nice guy, made me a delicious loaf of bread and brought it to my apartment. Later, I ran into him in the hallway and said,“That was amazing. What else can you make?” He’s probably regretting his decision. ************************************************************** Woke up feisty, I guess. Bald doorman: “Looks like your dog hasn’t had a haircut in 10 years.” Me:“I could say the same about you.” *************************************************************** Just mailed my sister and her family’s Christmas presents. In May. She’s been saying,“We’ll see!”and“That’s a hike,”since November. Which, in Pennsylvania-speak, means:We’re not coming. I figured I’d mail them now before I’m stuck shipping two years’ worth next spring. ********************************************************************************************************** Sitting with my dog at his usual spot in Madison Square Park. A woman in a long wool coat approaches—mid-50s, maybe—walking a thin terrier mix dressed in a pink tracksuit. As her dog sniffs around, she pulls a hardcover book from her bag and, without preamble, asks, “What do you think of Putin?” “Putin? I mean…I don’t know him that well.” She closes her eyes, nods solemnly. “Well, I’m reading this book, and he really loves Americans. He really cares about us.” “Okay.” She extends the book toward me. “Do you want to read it?” I edge away slightly. “No, that’s okay. I see the title. I’ll grab it from the bookstore.” She gathers her coat around her. “I only have a bathing suit underneath. I’m going swimming.” “That’s great!” I say, glancing at the icy air, wondering if I’m part of some elaborate social experiment. Then I stand, signal to Barnaby that it’s time to go, and tell her to enjoy her swim. ********************************************************************************************************** Early morning farmers market chat w/ a lovely woman: “What do you do? I’m 79 years old and still see people one on one.” Me: “Oh, are you a therapist?” “You know…when you get to a certain age, you don’t care what they call you.” ********************************************************************************************************** Concerned citizen: “Excuse me, your dog has a hat in his mouth.” Me: “You mean he dropped the head?!” She crossed the street. I call this guy at the pool the Chlorine Curmudgeon because he complains about everything and everyone. This morning, I had to share a lane with him. At some point, while I was clearing my goggles, he grumbled, “You could use to let people know when you’re passing them!” I smiled and said,“Sorry! Next time I’ll put on my blinker.” ********************************************************************************************************** This guy who convinced me to pay him to “build my Youtube channel” & went on to replace my videos with Indian soap operas, got me followers who wanted nothing to do with me, got me hate mail in different languages, complaining about characters in a soap opera I knew nothing about, got me shadowbanned on Youtube….just wrote me and asked for a recommendation. I’m not angry because I’m too amused. :) ********************************************************************************************************** Me texting neighbor: “Do you know why the fire dept is here? They were banging on the door, so I let them in.” Neighbor:“No. Are any of them hot?” Priorities! ******************************************************************************************************* Had dinner with a friend who scraped out the inside of a baked potato and tossed the skin. She was surprised when I ate the whole thing. I’m like, “It’s not a banana, calm down!” ******************************************************************************************************** I went to a high-end fat camp with a friend to see what it was like. A lot of things were banned, including salt at meals. The food was so bland, I felt like I was sinking into a depression. So, one day, I did a mid-afternoon run to a store and bought a canister of salt. I kept it in my room, put a little in a clear plastic bag and snuck it into meals. At dinner one night, a guy saw me pull out my bag. He looked at the bag, he looked at me, and then he said, “That better be cocaine!” ******************************************************************************************************** Barnaby’s girlfriend was barking outside the apartment door, but by the time I opened it, she was gone — leaving behind a pile of shit. I guess their relationship is on the rocks. ********************************************************************************************************** Friend at the pool: “You know, your face looks possessed when you float on your back.” “No, that’s just me doing face gentle yoga.” ********************************************************************************************************** Ordered a wooden purse from my cousin, a very talented woodworker. He included this little ghoul as a surprise. I put him on my bookshelf. Last night, I dreamed he came alive. This morning, I was hoping to find folded laundry, my missing glasses, maybe some fresh gluten-free blueberry pancakes… But nuthin’. Just a deadbeat ghoul, vibin’ on the shelf. Click here forLife in Anecdotes Part 3